Kids say the funniest things! As they learn, they correct themselves and discover what is socially acceptable. Along the way, they commit many innocent faux pas which are hilarious to older spectators who know the social rules around them. I’m sure many people have wanted to compile a book with all the funny things their children have said. I don’t know that I have time for a book, but a post with these hilarious quotes is well-overdue!

Funny Things Kids Say

I once asked my kindergarten class how they know if someone is the right person to marry. One cute little girl said, ‘You know if they’re the right person to marry because you say, ‘You smell nice! And I like your shoes!’ – Nikki Hesford

Mom: What noise does a fish make?

Son: Bubble, bubble, bubble.

Mom: What noise does a crocodile make?

Son: Snap, snap, snap.

Mom: What noise does a Mommy make?

Son: Cook, cook, cook.

– Rebecca Devitt

My little sister was at the doctor’s office for her annual check-up–she had to be somewhere around 3. The nurse was asking all the standard coordination type questions–touch your nose, put your hands up, jump, etc. Being a healthy capable little devil, she’s doing everything fine. Then, the nurse says, “stand on one foot.” My little sister looks at the nurse, looks down, and hesitates. Then she walks over and stands on one of the nurse’s feet. ThoughtCatalogue

When we go to the shops, my two-year-old son often asks for toys. I often say, ‘No.’ When he asks why, I say, ‘Because it costs too many dollars.’ One day my son was playing shops. He asked me to buy something from him. When I asked how much it cost, he replied, ‘Too many dollars.’ He was quite serious. We almost fell over backwards laughing! – Rebecca Devitt

When my three-year-old son and I leave the house, I use a collective noun to describe how we are leaving such as, ‘off like a pack of wolves’, ‘a pride of lions’, or ‘a dazzle of zebras’. The other day my son said, ‘We are off like a set of drums.’ … Well, it is a collective noun and it is a fairly accurate description of our morning exit down the echoing stairwell! – Jesse

Lately my three-year-old has been replacing ‘sm’, ‘sp’, and ‘st’, with ‘f’. One day she got into trouble and knew she was going to get a spank on her hand. So she hid her hand and said, ‘Don’t fank me!’ I almost choked and spat out my tea with laughter! – Esther

When she was 11 years old, my granddaughter Becca and I went to the library. It was closed. When we got home I checked the calendar and told her it was closed because it was Patriots Day. She said, “They must’ve had a big game!” – Grammy in Gardiner, TurnerPublishing

My friend, Jesse, has a 4-year-old who is a genius. At this age, the child can add, subtract, multiply, divide, read and almost write. This creates some funny situations. In one case her son did some amazing division. When he got a teddy bear, he started insisting it was the same age as his mother (who is 40-years-old). The mother insisted that the bear was, at most, 8 months old. The child thought for a moment. In order to make the teddy 40-years-old like his mother, he said, ‘I’ve got it. Teddy lives in 20 minute days!’   – Jesse

When looking into Luke’s eyes lovingly during the afternoon I said to him, ‘You’re a beautiful little boy, aren’t you.’ He agreed quite readily. Later that evening, while we were having dinner together, Luke had covered himself in the contents of dinner and he looked quite messy. I frowned at him and said in frustration, ‘You’re a filthy little boy, aren’t you, Luke.’ He looked quite miffed and offended. Searching for words, he found them with unexpected clarity, saying, ‘Luke’s…Luke’s…Luke’s not a filthy little boy. He’s a beautiful little boy!’ My husband and I almost fell off our chairs laughing. – Rebbecca Devitt

When asked what a grandparent is, this child said, ‘Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people’s.’ – alphadictionary.com

A kindergarten teacher laughed when she read a story her student wrote. The story was about a unicorn that wanted to be prime minister, but he got stuck ‘doing too much paperwork’! – Nikki

After reading the nursery rhyme about ‘The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts all on a summers day…,’ 3-year-old Luke got a little confused. In referring to his 3-month-old baby sister, he enthusiastically said, ‘Penny is the Queen of Tarts!’

If Jesus walked on water, could he do a handstand, too?” -a 4-year-old, iMom.com

I love that my three-year-old sings so many songs to herself. This includes some that are not necessarily classified as children’s songs. One such instance is when she runs around the house singing our church’s benediction, ‘Now to Hiiiim who is able to keep, able to keep you from faaaaalllinnng…’ – Esther

I had a student rush in all excited to tell me that her ancestors came over on the cauliflower. – Amy St. Ours, Takepart.com

One day in the car, Annabelle was singing to herself,  which she often does when she is winding down to sleep. She was singing, How Great Thou Art, the first verse. ‘O Lord my God,’ she sang, ‘When I in awesome wonder, consider all the works Thy hands have made, I see the stars, I see the stars, I see the….tars, I see the…’ And she was out! – Esther

Have you heard some funny things kids say? Share them in the comments below.

Conclusion

Children are natural-born comedians. They say the funniest things if we have ears to listen. Some are peculiar to themselves and tie in with their character. Others are reflections of their learning stage. We laugh with them as they learn social skills and norms, committing a few hilarious faux pas along the way!